Forum

Is it possible to be happy again with MS and a new person in your life?

Everyday living
#1

Hello all,

About 7 years ago I gave up on the romantic relationship thing. That was about when I was diagnosed but my decision didn’t have anything to do with MS at the time. The fact I been severely hurt in the past was but against all odds I recently met someone online. I’m on my late 30’s and he is on his early 40’s. We’ve been chatting for 4 months now on daily basis and we get along amazingly well. Although he doesn’t have MS, he has witnessed it close with family members and has a very good idea what it is like. He knows I have MS from day one. We both have gonne under many similar life experiences. He is supportive, caring, gentle, respectful… you know, everything someone with or w/o MS could dream of. We lives far away so he wants to come to me. He says he loves me for who I am and MS won’t stop him from wanting me in his life. I told him this is too hard for anyone and that I’d understand if he can’t deal with it. 7 years has gonne since I found out I had MS and I have loads of severe disabilities, I’m a wheelchair user and he knows all that. My question is why would someone want to be romantically commited with someone like me. I’m struggling with my lack of self confidence… things I wasn’t concerned before like, I put on lots of weight, I don’t look pretty anymore, I almost can’t do anything… I mean even to type this took me over an hour. I feel I kind of push him away when I say these things but the truth is I want to be honest with him and I don’t want to be hurt again, I can’t be hurt again, specially because of my condition and I don’t want to hurt him, he is the most kind soul I ever met and I believe he deserves someone who can share with him everything he deserves in life and at the same time I’m feeling lost, too afraid of losing him either for distance, my MS or my looks and I’m starting to show up all these fears to him. Please, any advice without judgement would be muchly appreciated.

#2

Hello,

I can thoroughly understand why you are wary to comit yourself; especially because you have been hurt before, but there ARE decent partners waiting in the wings, I am sure of that. And I don’t think that you are selfish if you take this relationship one stage further. He seems an intelligent man and he is not ignorant of MS, so you need never think that you are pinning him down into a relationship with someone with MS. You seem a good person too and your thoughts are with him, so I think that you are entitled to some happiness. If I were you I would go for it - but maybe tentatively to start off with if that makes you feel more relaxed. He sounds like a good man so is probably ideal. Good luck,

best wishes,

Moira

#3

Hi, I agree with Moira. I have been with my husband for over 33 years, and he still loves me. Yes he has had to care for me due to the ms, but it makes no difference to him. I know some people are not so lucky. What have you got to loose by giving this guy a chance? I hope it all works out for you.

#4

Hi Bel,

Sorry to answer with questions, but a few things not clear to me.

First of all, have you actually met this chap? You say you’ve been chatting for several months, but do you mean just phone/online, or have you had a meeting or two?

In similar vein, what do you mean you say he wants to “come to you”? Just for a visit/“date”, do you mean, or is he talking about moving in, or at least uprooting himself to live nearby?

I may have misunderstood completely, but IF it’s not just a date, and someone you’ve never met in person seems suddenly willing to place everything on the line for you - leave his home and move to be with you, I’d have to advise extreme caution - and that has nothing at all to do with MS.

In my opinion, it’s not normal behaviour for someone you’ve never met - or possibly only ever met once or twice - to be planning radical changes for your future together.

I do hope he just means to come for day-trip, or a couple of days, to see how you two get along. And even then, I wouldn’t advocate that you put him up in your own home. Sorry if I sound paranoid, but anyone can appear to be anything you want online, or even on the phone. How much do you really know about him? You, by your own admission, have serious disabilities, and are vulnerable - but ANY woman is vulnerable, who lets a man she only knows as an internet buddy into her home. So again, I must emphasise that this is not specifically an MS thing.

If my best friend, who is fit as a fiddle, was suggesting the very same thing, I’d be saying: “I don’t know… Are you SURE? Why does he want to rush things so much?”

I speak at least partly from experience. In my experience, someone who is VERY full-on, and talking about long-term commitment, without having had a proper chance to meet and get to know you first, is suspect. I’ve dealt with one of them before. Luckily, I didn’t come to any harm - except emotional. He wasn’t a rapist, and he didn’t steal money - thank goodness. But none of it was real. How could it be, with someone he’d never met?

If I wanted to be charitable, I could say that perhaps he really did believe it himself, at one point. He was a fantasist: in love with the idea of being in love. But I’m sure he also enjoyed the power-trip of convincing vulnerable women he was crazy about them, before dropping them like a stone. I later discovered he’d done it to other women before me, and I know he did it to at least two afterwards, as well. He’s probably still at it today.

The red-flag was too gushy, too soon. It’s NOT normal to be planning the future with someone, without even dating them first.

Sorry, but please be careful. I hope I’ve got completely the wrong end of the stick.

Tina

#5

Hello Tina :slight_smile: I totally understand your concerns and thank you for taking time to reply but this is not the case, I meant he wants to come to me just for a visit.

#6

Phew! That’s a relief. I think a “no-strings” visit is completely fine. It’s the only way to find out if there is chemistry in person, and not just in e-mails/phone.

I thought he might be proposing moving to live with you, and that would be a big no-no in my eyes - at this stage, anyway. Obviously, if things go really well, then who knows, in time?

But as long as he’s not already talking marriage before the first date, I think it’ll be fine.

Tina

x

#7

Hi Bel, you tell a story which is probably quite a common one. I do understand where Tina is coming from with her cautious concerns. However, your reply to her explains the visit from your friend.

ideally we would all love to think this man means you nothing but friendship, love and happiness.

As you explain, you are very vulnerable, as are many other people in our situation. Your concerns are understandable. But I think you must give yourself a chance to find happiness. You self esteem needs a boost, and this could just be the right thing to do now.

When we have no slef esteem, we can let our appearance be of little concern. Theres nothing like a date or event to get dressed up for. Why not treat yourself to a new hair-do, or outfit or whatever will make you feel pretty again. Im sure it will give you a boost.

So love, good luck with the date and I truly hope your new friend is all you`d like him to be.

Go girl!!!

Can`t wait to hear how it goes.

much luv, Polly xx

#8

Well thank you very much to each of you. Your replies and point of views really made me see it all with a whole new perspective. And sure thing he is most deffinitely worth it :slight_smile:

Hugs girls

BelBee

#9

It`s lovely to hear how your mood has lifted.

Enjoy!

luv Pollx

#10

Hello Bee,

I just assumed I was going to be single but ended up getting married 9 years ago. I felt really sure and it was the best thing to happen to me. My gorgeous wife has more than kept me going. We have a baby due soon and I have the confidence to face it knowing there will be two of us. If he will accept you with MS warts and all then why not?

Best of luck, Steve

#11

BelBee, we only live once. Those of us who have more than others to deal with on an every day basis, need to sieze the day where and when these opportunities present themselves. Risk love. It’s worth it