Hitting a Wall please don’t judge x

Hi everyone. First time here. I am a 36 year old lady with RRMS. I’m five years post Lemtrada and basically been in denial about my MS forever (diagnosed age 30 but first relapse age 26).

I was a good rider and uni lecturer in equine. I carried on teaching riding etc like nothing changed. I finally ended up (please don’t judge) trying an illegal drug for energy and mood to see me through -and drinking for the pain at night.

I finally realised I couldn’t do it anymore and moved back with my v supportive patents. I’m studying for a different- not practical career now.

However recently I’ve hit a wall of doom. I have final exams in a month and am sitting on a good grade but a recent relapse or pseudo (infection or the heat - waiting on mri) got me behind. I’m so low. I can’t believe I still slip and use alcohol or drugs as a crutch sometimes . I have a great drugs rehab team and it’s something sporadic not constant. But it’s still so stupid and only makes the ms worse but I just want to scream and “not have ms” for a few hours!

I just feel such a fool. Am I the only idiot that’s tried these avoidance tactics. In bed now feeling v v low and lots of pain. Should be studying or seeing my lovely horse who I feel I have abandoned when I have a bad day and can’t see him.

Any kind - non judgemental words appreciated xx


I have had MS for 20+ years and I’m not going to criticise anybody for doing anything they think is going to help. The trouble is that the very things that promise exaltation or relief or just blessed oblivion so often turn out to be false friends. To be honest I think this can apply to prescription drugs as well as to recreational ones. Don’t worry about false starts – it’s the direction of travel that matters, and it sounds as if you have set a course towards a more stable and sustainable way of coping with your MS and living your best life. There’s nothing like the company of animals to soothe a bruised soul. Your good equine friend will help you you if you let him or her. They don’t judge and their company is a blessing. Good luck with it all.


It is naff at times but we all need to reach for ‘escapism’ now and then. You know what’s happening and if you’re in contact with MS Team and Drug+Alcohol Team I’m sure, by working together, you’ll get there. Best thoughts and good luck!


First of all don’t be so hard on yourself. I am still learning all about this waiting on diagnosis so no expert but life is a challenge. We all have our naughty things that we go to. Your not alone. Half the battle is admitting to yourself that you do it and by looks of it you have that well sussed.

Don’t struggle alone. Just a suggestion but
Maybe try find a hobby that when you feel like giving in and going to the naughty stuff you go to that instead.

My frustration used to be eating chocolate. now it’s crisps. I tried painting to help me but ain’t always practical at 10pm at night but new series on Netflix helps that.

Hope some of this helps x


Thank you so much everyone xx

Brilliant reply Alison. Can’t add anything to it.