Hi everyone. First time here. I am a 36 year old lady with RRMS. I’m five years post Lemtrada and basically been in denial about my MS forever (diagnosed age 30 but first relapse age 26).
I was a good rider and uni lecturer in equine. I carried on teaching riding etc like nothing changed. I finally ended up (please don’t judge) trying an illegal drug for energy and mood to see me through -and drinking for the pain at night.
I finally realised I couldn’t do it anymore and moved back with my v supportive patents. I’m studying for a different- not practical career now.
However recently I’ve hit a wall of doom. I have final exams in a month and am sitting on a good grade but a recent relapse or pseudo (infection or the heat - waiting on mri) got me behind. I’m so low. I can’t believe I still slip and use alcohol or drugs as a crutch sometimes . I have a great drugs rehab team and it’s something sporadic not constant. But it’s still so stupid and only makes the ms worse but I just want to scream and “not have ms” for a few hours!
I just feel such a fool. Am I the only idiot that’s tried these avoidance tactics. In bed now feeling v v low and lots of pain. Should be studying or seeing my lovely horse who I feel I have abandoned when I have a bad day and can’t see him.
Any kind - non judgemental words appreciated xx