Forum

Here we go again! (family rant!)

Hi all, Not like me I know but this is something I can’t seem to deal with…

About a year or so ago I told my son & daughter-in-law that I couldn’t go and stay with them any more as can’t manage the stairs & I get so tired when I go away.

Actually it’s more than that as I know you will all understand:

It’s not just tiring… it’s beyond anything that I can explain (well you guys know what I mean).

It’s a 3 hour drive each way & they drive fast on the motorway which makes me think we’ll all be dead any minute.

I find the whole thing so exhausting & unsettling that I could cry (in fact sometimes do cry)

When I get home I have to go to bed for about a week to recover.

I’ve explained some of this to them and thought they had accepted it. They drive down every couple of months to see me & sometimes stay the night (we have a guest room here).

Anyhoooo… they have now come up with a new plan. My daughter-in-law’s parents live in a bungalow not far from where my son & family live. Now they say I can stay in the spare room there. They said this last weekend when they came. Now they have texted and asked if I will come for Easter.

My daughter-in-law’s parents are nice people but we are as different as chalk and cheese.

I know I sound like the worst mother/grandmother in the world but I just can’t face it. I have to tell them all over AGAIN why I don’t want to stay! Why don’t they get it!!!

Any suggestions?

I know what I would answer to myself. Sit down quietly and write them an email and tell them why. But they seem to take it so personally!!!

Sorry gang… this is more of a rant than anything. For some reason it has upset me a great deal. I just can’t anwer the text. I just don’t want to go!

Forgive horrendously long moany post…

PatB x

It’s not a horrendously long moany post Pat. I completely understand - I cannot stand the thought of staying anywhere else for all the reasons you say and others too. My bed, my toilet with all my catheter stuff etc. It is hard enough to get comfortable at home without having to fit in with someone else’s ideas of how things should be done. My hubby’s Mum will be 80 this year and I just know they will want me to visit but I can’t stand the thought. People either take it personally or think you are fussing. I wish they would try to empathise more. I wish I could suggest some way to help but I see it the same as you, Hope you sort it honey, Teresa xx

My amazing snow leopard with image -or it’s proper name, so cool.

They are trying to be helpful/loving/caring, BUT they do not understand how can they? I have finally got my family to agree I’ll visit etc but home is where my comfort Zone is and 4 hours outwith my comfort zone and I wither. The thing is that’s about my time limit it really is, much as I love and appreciate their concern. I also do not travel well and dislike being driven at speed, I’m like a fine port and should be treated gently?!

I’m not sure how you get the message through but what makes them feel better is not what works for you. Underline the best way is for them to say over with you, take careM

Thanks Teresa & M… helps just to write it out and know that you lovely friends understand.

I love that about a fine port M…

Teresa… I had forgotten the toilet stress!!! I get plenty of exercise going back and forth to the loo and in the morning I practically set up camp in there!

I think I’ll sit down quietly this week & write it all out in an email to them (if I talk about it I’ll cry). I’ll tell them how much I love them and know they want me to stay because they love me, but will give all the reasons why it’s just not possible.

Thanks Golden Girls…

Have a lovely Sunday,

Pat xxx

Surely they will be able to see it from your point of view Pat. Hope it goes well - an e-mail is a great idea! Teresa xx

Hi Pat, of course you`re not doing a moaney, horrendous post. This is a genuine concern and we want to try to help if we can. Afterall, you are always readily here with support for any of us with a problem.

I have turned down several invitations to visit my daughter in Cheshire. it`s a 2 hour trip (each way). I get cold and uncomfortable, as it means sitting in one position for far too long. Plus we have to take my commode and i have to use it in her kitchen. I feel embarrassed if i need more than a wee.

The same goes for dear friends who live in the Midlands. Other invitations get turned down and i hate to have to do this, but as others say, we spend our days coping with the problems of our horrendous conditions.

You`ll just have to hope your family understand how you feel and dont take it as a personal insult.

As for staying with your in-laws, well no, I dont blame you.

It`s a chuff, innit?

luv Pollx

Terribly terribly difficult to make folk understand that staying with other people, even if they are beloved family, is just impossible now. For me, it is the having to be on alert all day, having to listen to and respond to others for hours on end and not show that all I want to do is creep into a corner on my own away from the constant conversation which just wears me down.

I too think an email is a good idea and I do hope that your lovely family will come to understand that it is all really a question of self-preservation and that no offence at all is meant.

Hilary x

Thank you all.

It makes me feel so much better about the situation.

It’s strange. I know of course it’s in no way bullying. They are kind, loving people & want me to visit for all good reasons. Yet it feels strangely like bullying. It’s the pressure that makes it feel like that & the feeling that I am letting them down if I don’t go.

I can’t tell you how much your messages have helped. Just knowing that’s it’ not me being a wimp has helped enormously.

Pat xxx

Unless they have walked in our shoes how can they understand?

I think (yes, I do) it’s frustration on their part there’s nothing they can do so… I hate to use the word wrong but they are wrong you are offering a well reasoned allternative, come stay with me!! Or they could stay in a local B/B or hoteltake care, be safeM

Hi Pat

I so know what you mean, whilst they are being caring and trying

to do their best, it is the last thing you want to do. There is nothing

like home, everything is geared up to make your life easier, and it’s

difficult for family and friends to appreciate just how important that is.

We have a friend that lives away and often says "come to me, it will

be a lovely break for you", but doesn’t appreciate how many times I

tell them that I can’t get up the stairs to the bathroom etc and it causes

stress to keep worrying about it.

Sending them an email sounds your best bet, but our family members and

friends could make it easier for us, if they took it on board our explanations

first time, without having to keep repeating ourselves.

Take care, damp and wet here today

Pam x

Hello, I’ve had such comfort from reading these posts…it’s so great to know I’m not the only one, who finds it so hard to explain why I can’t stay with my family and friends. I get to feel so guilty and frustrated, which in turn winds me up so much I end up feeling worse than ever! I love them all so much and my grandchildren are a joy to me but my own bed, sofa toilet etc…no contest! Best wishes and thanks to everyone Nina

Thanks Pam & NIna!

Nina, I see you are new so a big welcome… We are a nice supportive little gang here & always nice to see a new member!

I see from your profile you have SPMS… but dont’ for one second think you are not welcome on this board. We are all in the same boat!!!

I also see you like bird watching. So do I… although I’ve only got into this since having MS. I live in London but see quite a lot of birds from my windows… & now I’ve got a bird feeder attached to my window & currently have a Great Tit visiting… flitting nervously back and forth.

It’s been so good being supported by everyone over this family visit thing! I’m writing the email today.

Have a lovely day everyone.

Grey, wet but mild in London.

Pat xx

Thanks Pam, Hope you get a good response to your email…it’s amazing how much better it makes you feel about a problem when you realise others are going through the same thing. I have been reading this section of the forum for a while…I love it…never seems to be any nasty arguments breaking out on this bit. Re the bird watching…I do surveys for the BTO, they do various types but when I found out about the garden surveys I jumped at the chance …makes me feel useful but can be done from the comfort of my sofa! Thanks for making me feel welcome, Nina xx

Hi Nina

Just wanted to say welcome, I was just about to say "the more

the merrier" !! but I suppose thinking about it that is the wrong

thing to say in these circumstances, but it’s good to laugh, isn’t it.

Pam x

Thank you Pam, You’re so right…it’s good to laugh and somedays we have to grab them where we can! Nina x

Hi all, want to update you on this situation.

I did send an email to my son and explained why it is just not possible for me to go and stay with them. I described some of my symptoms which I haven’t done before… and said ‘toilet problems which I’d rather not dwell on’… which covered that one without going into details!

Told him how much I loved them all etc… but MS just made it too hard for me.

Got a really lovely email back saying they completely understand. They said they felt guilty that I didn’t see much of my grandson and had tried to find a solution (hence the offer to stay with my daughter-in-laws parents’ in bungalow)… however they would now accept that it isn’t possible and they’re going to try and come to visit more often.

Anyway it’s all settled now and I’m so pleased I came on here and was able to get things in perspective before I contacted them.

So my friends thank you as always for your wonderful support,

Pat x

I am so pleased you’ve sorted it out Pat - it sounds like your son was really understanding. I do hope they manage to come to see you more often so that you can see your grandson more frequently! Good news and a load off your mind! Teresa xx

Hi Pat

So glad that has been resolved for you, good result I reckon.

Hope you get to see them visit you more often.

Pam x