No you dont need a way of keeping yourself subdued, you need appropriate help. It seems to me you are overwhelmed at the moment, and frankly your anti depressant and diazepam are not working, you need help from a specialist.
I would suggest you ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist who can do two things. Firstly review your medication for something more effective, if you have tried many over the years they may need to consider prescribing something like lithium or an atypical antipsychotic to help you stabilise, which also could help your anxiety so you no longer need to rely on a benzo that are addictive and innefective after a few weeks. Secondly, they could refer you to see a psychologist to help get to the root of your depression, and to teach you new coping skills.
Is your relationship under strain, does your partner have anyone to talk to? It may be worth him having a carers needs assessment from social services, this may put him in touch with a carers support group where he can meet other men in the same situation.
Priority is though to get someone for you to speak to, because the worse thing you can do for depression is to try to supress it, that will only make it worse.
Make good use of the board, keep a diary of how you feel, but if I were you I would ask for that referral.
And I may be jumping to conclusions here, but is your relationship an unbalanced one? Do you think you are at risk or receiving emotional abuse? That’s domestic violence, you could contact your local domestic violence service for support- sorry if Im wrong but I just got that impression.
I think you know stronger and stronger knock-out drops, whether on prescription, or from the off-licence, aren’t the answer.
I’m not being judgemental, as I use both diazepam and alcohol, along with various other things. All except the alcohol I take because I genuinely need them to address various symptoms. The alcohol I take because I would still like to have some semblance of a normal life - including partaking of alcohol - despite having an incurable disease.
But you’ll notice none of this is done to make me senseless or shut me up.
I am not clear whether you think you really are “moaning and whining all the time”, or whether you feel unjustly accused. Either way, I don’t think the solution is rendering yourself comatose, so you wouldn’t say anything.
If you accept you might really be “moaning and whining” - albeit with good cause, much of the time - would it help if you had some neutral person (e.g. a counsellor) you could moan and whine to, without it always being hubby having to soak it up? Has your GP ever offered any kind of counselling or therapy, other than just ADs?
If, on the other hand, you feel hubby is being dismissive of your legitimate “moans and whines”, then the challenge is to help him understand how you feel - which you won’t do just by being zonked all the time. Is he educated about the effects of MS, including those that are invisible on the outside? If not, could you get him some literature from the MS Soc or the MS Trust? Can you talk to him honestly about your feelings, but gently, and at carefully picked moments, so he doesn’t feel you are going on about it “all the time”, or even that you might be blaming him? Do you make a conscious effort to communicate with him about more positive things, such as qualities you still appreciate about him, or things you have in common? Or does he only hear your voice when it’s to complain about something? That would be pretty demoralising for anyone.
Just to add to what the others have said, suppressing is not the answer. That’s what depression is. Counselling or some other pyschological support would probably help. And you need to find things that will energise you & fill you with life, rather than trying to numb it away. Getting contact with nature will definitely be good for you. There’s plenty of studies that show the benefits of nature on our mental & physical health. Spend time out in the wild, drinking it in. And if getting out is tricky, watch the birds or clouds from your window, go & listen to the birdsong.fm website, look after a pot plant…Make a point of doing something you enjoy every day. Fake smile for a minute throughout the day (your brain can’t tell the difference between a genuine smile and a fake one, so will still release ‘happy chemicals’ in your body). Every day, write a list or think of things that you’re thankful for (being thankful is another common thing linked to positive wellbeing). Learn a new skill or hobby (again, learning is linked to happiness). And meditate too - mindfulness meditation is becoming increasingly popular, and can help with pain & depression (I’ve been doing it regularly for a couple years now & find it really helpful - google it, or try a website like getsomeheadspace.com to find out more).
For all the rubbish that MS throws at us, you always have the ability to choose. I really hope this helps.
CBT on the computer works for some people, and can be really good for the mind to go through. i tried it, stopped because I felt a lot of what it was doing/saying was common sense stuff and it was a tad condiscending. But it does work, or it wouldnt be recomended for people. Sometimes talking to another person (mental health nurse/psychiatrist, even just a friend), helps more. I would def. go talk to a doctor or self refer to the mental health team where you are since the meds are not working properly for you and they can start you on the CBT if you really want to give that a try
