End of the line

Hi everyone,
I was diagnosed with MS more than 10 years ago, I am now 45 years old. During elementary school, through high school, I was the fastest student in school. I had a brief break for athletics where I did 100, 200, 400 and 800 meters. I even participated in marathons.
I started working at 14 during the 3 months of school holidays, all to buy game gear. I’ve never been out of work for more than a week in my entire life, until last year. Despite taking an infusion treatment every 6 months for the last 2 years, the symptoms are getting worse, affecting my legs, balance and left arm.
I can’t run, I have holes in my shoes from shuffling my feet so much. fatigue is constant, I have to take constant breaks and or look for a place to sit in stores or malls.
Last year i lost my job, 6 months ago.
Two days ago my girlfriend and fiancée, left me and walked away, but before that she said very disturbing things. Right now I’m in the flat, sitting on the sofa, and packing as many things as possible, and for a few moments, my spirits drop and I go into emotional shock, I cry without being able to control it and stop, I call her name and tell myself that she will come back.Sometimes I can hear her voice, her scent, her walk around the house, her turning on the light. She threw it all in the trash, jewelry, clothes and gifts I offered. she erased everything and everyone we both knew, like my family and my friends. It’s been 10 years together, and she said I’m not a man anymore.
I’m going to put all my stuff in my friend shed. It will be good because has tv, tablet and computers, he can sell them. I have to hand the house over to the landlord at the end of the month.
After that I have nowhere to go or where to stay, but I have decided not to be here until the end of the month.
I have until the end of the month to put an end to this miserable life that I carry. I don’t accuse anyone, not even my ex. I accept all the paths that life has drawn me, but I will be the one to put the final point.

1 Like

Hello Morenado, and welcome.

Like you, I was once a champion athlete, long before I had MS when I sprinted and did the triple jump. It is now just a memory… but one I cherish… the thrill of winning… wow that was good.

You are in a dark dark place just now, and I’m sorry to read about your situation. I hope that writing it all down in black and white has helped a little, it’s usually a good thing to do… and what I urge you to do now is to call the samaritans and express yourself verbally… say it out loud… SHOUT if you need to… they WILL listen. Talking always helps, believe me, I’ve talked… and talked…

I’m in the UK and I think you’re in the USA, but I have a hunch that the samaritans offer the same service in your country. If not, then find another help line… just do a google search… it is so important to talk… as I say… just talk talk talk and then talk some more… I believe that you should and I believe that you want to.

Please call them,

Ben

2 Likes

Hi,

I agree with Ben. It’s not a decision to take lightly and certainly not under your current circumstances. You are in a very emotional place right now, understandably and need some help and guidance to see a way out. Find someone to talk to. I’m sure you must have helplines in the USA? Join some other MS groups. I noticed a lot on Facebook are based in the USA. Talk to your friend.

Hi Morenado. I do feel for you and understand how empty your life feels right.

There’s so much going on and it’s no wonder you feel suicidal. Yes, you need lots of help. You are getting shut of things you will need. You will find a new home, and new friends too… but this is going to take a lot of digging deep within yourself to find yourself again.

Last year I hit rock bottom. I’ve had PPMS for 24 years, am totally dependent on others for care, food and outings. I cried my heart out to God. I didnt know how to move forward with life as it was.

2 weeks later, I had a visit from Jesus…he saved me in many ways.

Now I know why I am alive. I pray you see the light too.

love Boudsx

1 Like

Have to agree with everyone above. Just had a breakup and thats no time to be making important decisions. Need to deal with that before anything else. Talk to friends/family or a professional if need be

Hi @Morenado welcome to the site, but I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low right now.

With everything you have got going on, it is totally understandable that you are feeling the way you do. Losing your employment, fiance and home in such a short space of time, together with having to come to terms with worsening disability through MS, is a hell of a lot to be dealing with all at once.

Please consider reaching out further here, or to any friends or family, or if there isn’t anyone close you feel you can talk to please see the link below for Befrienders; I have included that as I’m not sure which country you are in.

https://www.befrienders.org/

Many of us here do feel/have felt similarly to yourself and there is no judgement. Only you know what your feelings are, and you are entitled to them; but I would urge you to please talk, to however many people it takes. At the moment it might seem as though your world is ending, but it doesn’t have to. All change is unsettling and takes time, please give yourself at least that before you do something that can’t be walked away from.

We are here.

Kind regards
Willowtree

Morenado - there are very few answers I can provide - only that you try and get support - MS is a bag of 5h1t and has put a black cloud over and through alot of our lives - horrible condition - physically and mentally - I take a concoction of tablets everyday ao i can put on my “happy face” - please seek out help medically and try and sail it through - I have been in a few dry places but it does improve, now and again - good luck and God bless

I have been through something similar in recent years, my ex left me after 18 years, lost my home, got in incredible debt, lost my job as a teacher, lost sensation in hand so even had to give up playing in my band. I also went through a second split recently which finished off my confidence. I haven’t tried to directly end it, but have drank at times which would have killed most normal people, in the hope I wouldn’t wake up, or something may happen to me when wasted that it’s taken out of my hands. Now I’ve cut out the drink as was cycling me lower.

I can only say try to reach out to people who have been through similar, something I wish I did, I tried without and barely coming out other side. There are many organisations be they MS specialists or just those that deal specific with depression/suicidal thoughts. You don’t need to be alone, see what help you can get financially, assisted living charities etc.

I know pride stops me/stopped me, and I was fortunate I had supportive family to drag me through the worst. Fingers crossed you can find a way to push through positively.

Morenado, I can’t add any more to the emotional advice listed above, but know that we’re all here rooting for you.

If you are in the US, check with your local Lutheran Services for income-based counseling. They use social workers rather than shrinks, so I’ve always liked them better. They help you work through your issues rather than try to psychoanalyze you. They are non-denominational and will never bring up religious subjects with you.

For housing or financial help, try Catholic Charities. I’m not sure what all they provide, but they also don’t limit their help to a specific religion. If nothing else, one of these two places should be able to help you to build a support system.

You’re dealing with a lot right now, and as hard as it seems, just take it one day at a time.

Hi everyone. Thanks for everything. Im living in london in the last 16 or 17 years. I’m originally from Portugal.
I don’t want to sound pessimistic or ungrateful.

I’ve had many problems in my life from which I managed to heal myself, I’ve helped young people lost with family and emotional problems. But my life has nowhere to turn, I lost absolutely everything, dreams, health, love, strength, desires, smile. I have not been eating or drinking for 4 days, and the desire to drink or eat is non-existent. I’ve already taken more than twenty pills but I woke up in the middle of the night with vomiting and stomach pain. I have a sharp knife in my corner for when the pain reaches an unbearable limit. My mother, who is still alive, taught me everything, how to sew clothes, cook, clean, be independent, be innovative and achieve dreams, but all this doesn’t help me with MS.
I ask everyone and everything on my knees in the almost empty flat that my last breath be as brief as possible

This thread is now locked due to the sensitive nature of this matter

We are attempting to get in touch with the author of the post and provide support.

We’d also like to remind our community, that you are not alone. Our MS Helpline can provide information, let you know where to find support, or just offer a listening ear. Please do get in touch: 0808 800 8000 or via [helpline@mssociety.org.uk](mailto:helpline@mssociety.org.uk

1 Like