I apologise for the long post, I am not sure whether I violate any forum rules, but I really need to write down how I feel, even anonymously. I really need to write down all these things that go through my mind most of the time and I cannot share with the people around me in real life. There might not be continuity in my train of thought, but I will write things as they come to my mind.
I understand that my condition could be any of the following, or a combination of them: multiple sclerosis (or some disease that compromises my nerves, and makes me physically incapable of handling stress), depression, stress due to pure loneliness and inability to find a partner.
I haven’t been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I tried to look into it 5 years ago but my GP insisted that I don’t have it and that I am just depressed. She offered antidepressants that I didn’t accept, but I did join group therapy sessions for a whole year that helped me put my life back together. By put my life together, I mainly mean lower my expectations, and after a few years I chose a different career path, that would hopefully be less stressful. I haven’t tried to get a diagnosis again, although I might try again this year if I am brave enough, it might be one of my new years resolution.
My symptoms are many, and I will try first to list the ones that are definitely there and there is no way I am making them up. First, the constant buzzing in my ears, it is as if someone has left the tv on on mute, but you can still hear the electronic circuits working. I see a circle of flashing light every time I move my left eye to my right while in the dark, this is something that I can reproduce any single time I try it. I had the back of my eyes looked by my eye doctor thoroughly and nothing wrong there, I am sure he was thinking I was an imaginary patient. Floaters appeared 5 years ago and never went away. I also feel that my eyes are not working together, possibly depth perception is not there, but maybe that’s in my mind.
If I consume the wrong thing, it can trigger a complete collapse of my health. I have eliminated the ones I have identified, and some examples are: smoking, coffee, alcohol, anything artificial like sweeteners, coke and sodas. It is hard to avoid some of these, especially if I am on the go and I need to buy something to eat, anything packaged is full of artificial stuff. By collapse of my health, I mean that I will feel tired or even get flu like symptoms (not necessarily fever, although my face will feel hot, some times just half of it), then I will not be able to be productive or go out to socialise, then I will get isolated and depressed, and then depression will reinforce all the physical symptoms and get me down to the bottom.
I am constantly tired. Sometimes I might wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, so I get up ready to conquer the world, and then by the time I have finished my shower all my energy is gone. Mental work is getting me tired some times, and it is scary, I get nausea by just trying to do a mental task. And then the absense of work or any achievement during my day is also getting me feel extremely tired. I can stay in bed for a couple of days straight but it is not going to help, because it is going to produce feelings that I am not achieving much.
Then there are things like my face not having any expression and looking sad. I am not saying that I am looking sad because I am thinking about my condition, but when I am performing a mental task during my work, my face becomes totally blank. I also find it hard to smile, I literally cannot keep a smile for more than a few seconds, and then my facial muscles start twiching. I keep getting comments about it from other people, and I am sure people think that I am some kind of sad weird person. The last few years I have been learning how to dance salsa and tango. I am not sure where I found the courage to go out so much, and I am really proud of what I have achieved despite my tiredness. But, if I had a penny for every time someone told me that I look worried or sad or tired, even after a long nap after work. Once a friend of mine got really upset with me and told me “Your dancing is really really good now, you have to take it to the next level, you need to smile and stop worrying.” I wish she knew how much courage I needed just to get out of my house. Not to mention that the specific night the club was very warm for some reason, and heat drives me crazy.
It is really unfair how much power other people have on my physical condition. They can just give me some extra pressure at work, or treat me unfairly, or hurt me and then this will go through my mind and then manifest itself on my body. In terms of work, it is really hard to find the balance, something that is not stressful, but something that keeps me constantly busy, giving me some sense of achievement without getting me too tired.
The most frustrating thing about my condition is the unpredictability of it. I can see the triggers, which is probably some extra stress, some disappointment, not getting enough sleep, but the result is not immediate. If the trigger is some kind of big disappointment, then some days will pass, I will get over the disappoinment, but then the physical symptoms will come with a lag to drag me down again, this time much lower. It is this lag that makes me feel it is not pure depression. I don’t see how I get these symptoms when I have overcome the psychological problem and I am getting happier again.
When my symptoms are severe, then I will find it hard to express myself, create sentences and communicate with other people. I am self aware of it when it happens, and I usually isolate myself in these periods, which makes things harder as I have to drag myself out of it totally on my own. In my good days, I try to keep my social interactions short, I know I only have a few good hours per day, and I don’t want to expose anyone to my tired grumpy side. Even at work, where I have to be there for at least 8 hours, whenever I am tired I try to be quiet, because I know that I might speak in a negative way.
At the moment I have no expectations whatsoever from life in terms of career, I did manage to pursue long studies in the past and I should be just happy I have achieved that. However, I do need to have some well paid job in order to be able to rent my own flat and save for the unpredictable future. I rented my own flat a year ago, and it is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sharing with other people in the past, with constant noises when I needed at least 9 hours of sleep was not a good experience.
Every now and then when I have a good period, I become ambitious and I make plans for new things (careerwise or hobbies), but I never actually finish things any more, because a bad period will come next and then I forget about them. The only thing that I have persistently done is going out to dance lessons and dancing socially, and it is not because of a master plan, it is just that many individual days I have decided that I cannot stay home being miserable and I need to go out there to interact with people. I don’t care if these people know nothing about me, or they could judge my appearance or behaviour in any way, they have no clue how much courage I need to overcome my tiredness and go out, or how much of my limited mental resources is needed to coordinate my limbs.
The only expectation left, and something that I am constantly searching for is a partner. Maybe this is the main reason for my symptoms, maybe I am just too lonely, and this is why I am here writing on this forum on Christmas. Christmas holidays are always tricky, either too much stuff happening and then I get tired and sick, or not much stuff happening and then my thoughts make me tired and sick.
When it comes to dating, I need extra luck to meet someone and also meet her when I am on my healthy period, otherwise I will not be confident to attract anyone in the first place. Then I know I have a single shot, ask a single person out and go on a date. I know that rejection at any stage will have effects on my physical condition and then I am out of the dating game for several weeks, unable to date anyone else. Not to mention how hard it is to find someone that is kind, with low risk of hurting me, and that she will be cool with my condition. The chances are very slim. I know these cycles of excitement and then disappointment are making my situation worse and worse, but it is the only way I might find someone.
I think I’ll stop here, thanks for reading if you made it up to here. This is probably just a cry for attention from a lonely person, but I really needed to write this down.
Keep strong and happy 2014 to everyone,
Mel