I am thinking of introducing a new one day moveable Feast. This is a busy period for the wallet, pets’ eardrums and the Samaritans. I’m going to cram it all into one fun filled day, which can be moved anywhere between 01 Oct, and 31 Jan.
The day will be moved instantly, depending on the first snow flake, ensuring a White Christmas, Halloween, Bonfire night and New Year. Ladbrokes, will go broke. The screening of The Great Escape, a Sporting Event or a buy one get two free offer on Christmas trees, can all precipitate the day moving.
The following time and space saving provisions will have to be made;
Father Christmas will be dressed in black, with a wizard’s hat. Satan’s little helpers will resemble, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper and Roy wood. The traditional ‘chimney entrance’, will go in favour of the more up to date, ‘Ram raiding of the lounge’
Christmas crackers will be pulled face to face with the teeth. The Pud will be lit with an old tyre, and diesel, cunningly siphoned from the neighbour’s car The flaming pud will be eaten off a string hanging from the ceiling. The Ducking Stool will provide welcome relief for any frazzled eyebrows.
The Junior extortionists can take full advantage of the day. They will arrive at your door, with a toddler dressed as a Spanish arsonist, with a banger up each nostril, mince pies for eyes and a choir boy’s ruff. They can then rummage through the proffered tin of laxative chocolates, threaten your pets, fire a rocket up your car’s exhaust and sing you the First two lines of Silent Night. You can then hand over the red hot 20p coin.
You can then unwind, with two dozen toffee apples, a bottle of sweet sherry, and by setting fire to the kitchen to save doing the washing up. Boxing day is here as well, and this involves getting a black eye off your neighbour, who has nipped round for a game of Charades. Setting fire to his garden to replicate the film Apocalypse Now, was not the wisest of moves.
Nearly over. New Year, is brought in with bat shaped turkey sandwiches, cremated jacket potatoes and Auld Lang Syne. All the joke false hands really add to the tears of emotion, as does the high kicking kilted Scotsman.
So there you go. Kids back to school, back to the usual routine, and the long wait to do it all again. Might not be 12 months, though could even be 16. A good idea or wot ???
Any thoughts on a postcard please.