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Bitter and twisted

Hi All,

Does anyone know of any good coping strategies to stop feelings of bitterness and resentment?

I got d/x’d in 2010 and my then wife still did not get off her lazy backside and get a job, even though we had a lot of debt and a huge mortgage.

Last January I finally left her and asked her to keep things amicable, above board and not to deny me access to our 13 year old adopted daughter. The exact opposite happened, lots of vile false allegations just before she moved a new bloke in and I had to enlist a Solicitor. £16,500 later and a nasty divorce, I now have a child I do not see or hear from because the mother has turned her against me. I’ve come out of a 25 year relationship with just my clothes, my guitar equipment, my office equipment and a few bits of tat! She has kept everything that I have worked hard for - every item of furniture, white goods, electrical gear, including some pretty good Sony stuff. She is also keeping the property we used to rent out as the house we were in is getting re-possessed.

The question is, how to deal with it? How to stop feeling bitter and twisted? How do I stop all this before it wrecks my current relationship? How do you “just let go” as my friends are telling me?

Thanks

your ex would be chuffed to bits knowing how unhappy you are. haven’t you given them enough already?

look to the future, learn from the past.

the test of a person’s character doesn’t come when everything is hunky-dory!

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Who wins if you are feeling awful? Is it your ex ?

Don’t give her the satisfaction hold your head up, dust yourself down and move on.

Do you want her to feel good about knowing that your down?

Smile laugh and grin at the situation.

Don

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What advice would you give to a dear friend in your situation? Whatever you would advise the friend is probably the thing for you. If you struggle to translate your own advice into action, then maybe you need a bit of professional help from a counsellor to bump you out of your mental rut. It’s like mechanical devices: sometimes you can fix them yourself and sometimes you need the experts. Not a big deal either way.

I am very sorry about the breach with your daughter. That is just plain bad, and I hope that time will give you an opportunity to heal those wounds.

Good luck, and I hope that you soon find a way through to enjoying your freedom from a marriage gone bad. Freedom is worth more than stuff.

Alison

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‘Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head’ Awesome little saying, often think of it when I’m not a happy bunny! She didn’t treat you well at all, dont give her the satisfaction of destroying all of you. Horrible situation with your daughter though, just hope that 1 can be resolved. She sounds a nightmare, I’d be glad you escaped, very cruel & vindictive woman by the sounds of it, good luck with you seeing your kiddie, your x wants stringing up Tracey x

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Hi

I’m not surprised you’re feeling bitter & twisted, that’s a lot of cr*ppy stuff to have happened. But well done for recognising that you want to let go of those feelings and move on. There’s a few things that might help. Firstly, I’d want to do something physical to get out my frustration & anger. So have a good old kick & scream. Get a pillow and whack it repeatedly against the wall, or punch it or something. If I do something like that, it helps get those feeling out of me instead of having it churn around inside my head.

The next thing to try is to just say out loud ‘I forgive you’, Even if you don’t feel it, just say it anyway. I remember a friend of mine said he’d been massively hurt by someone, and as hard as he tried he couldn’t forgive him. But one day he felt he should say it aloud as if it was true. And he soon found that he held no longer had any ill feelings towards this person. So keep saying it out loud everyday, regardless of how you feel.

The other thing that you may need to do is forgive yourself. If it were me, I know that, deep down, I’d blame myself somehow for what’s happened. I’d think there’s things I should have done differently to have stopped this injustice from happening. Obviously I don’t know if this is the case for you - only you will know. But if it is, then forgiving yourself will be really important.

I hope you’re able to forgive and find peace again.

Dan

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hi nelster

you have been treated very shabbily by your ex.

you have done everything thoughtfully.

you have come out of this as a man who should hold his head up.

she has come out of it as a *&%($££ (cannot bring myself to use the words that spring to mind) who should hang her head in shame - if she had any.

so you’re financially worse off but rich in karma.

sit peacefully, play your guitar and wait for karma to come and bite her in the arse.

dan was talking sense about forgiving.

expel the bitterness because you don’t want to hang on to poison now that you are out of that toxic relationship.

you deserve to be happy.

carole x

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Thanks Paolo - she doesn’t know I am not happy as I do not have any contact with her or my daughter, so no worries there.

I am in fact very happy with my new life and my partner - just irritated by the wasted years and the huge cost of it all.

Hi Don, thanks for your comments. See my reply above to Paolo.

Thanks Alison - the advice to a friend might not be politically correct lol. Maybe hypnotherapy might work to block it completely. I’ve done various counselling and CBT sessions in the past for other issues to do with her.

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Thanks Tracey

A

Of course the thing that really hurts the most in this is how vile she was when my mother died. Mom was d/x’d with terminal cancer last Feb and was given 9 months to live. Despite this my ex continued relentlessly. Even when mom was in a hospice, she made sure my daughter did not go to visit mom with me. And on the day of the funeral she wanted her sister to take my daughter, which would have caused a scene so I stopped them from going. Just a vile individual who is trying to “harvest” my friends and get them on her side.

She’s stewing in her own bitter brew now, isn’t she. Some people get like that, never learn to let go of a grudge, until the grudge itself becomes the whole thing, and it just gets bigger and bigger. I hope you can succeed in learning to look forward rather than back, from what you’ve said you’re half way there. Good luck with shedding the rest of your toxic past and focussing on your life now, and your future.

Your daughter’s at the worst possible age for being influenced by a parent with an agenda, but she’s also on the cusp of being better at making her own mind up, and being permanently turned against someone who’s tried to use her for their own ends. Your ex might be in the process of doing permanent damage to her relationship with the girl. Only time will tell how things will turn out, but you’ve not lost her.

Bah, I’ve got nothing useful to say, brain’s not letting me formulate a helpful response, all I can say is, try to focus on the positive, enjoy what’s good about life. Let go of the stuff that you can’t do anything about, the material things that she took. Leave your ex to the bitterness, she’s feeling enough for both of you by the sound of it : /

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