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Anyone with a partner with Aspergers/ or is he just behaving like most men! (Sorry men)

Hi there folks

Just wondering if anyone has experience of this, my husband of over 30 years tells me he’s had a late dx of this condition, which does make a lot of sense but (excuse me chaps) aren’t most men (to a degree) unemotional unempathetic, never wrong and selfish, much more help with mending one’s computer than listening to tales of woe. Or have I got that wrong?

YES!

Yes from me too.

Yes from me too

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Hello Wendy!

Find out as much as possible about the condition so you can support your husband. It may help you to understand him a bit better.

We constantly have ‘rants’ on these boards about people being ‘ignorant’ about our ms so you don’t want to be like that with your husbands condition.

If your husband has supported you with your ms then you owe it to him to be understanding of his condition as well.

These boards are used equally by men and women. If a simular post had been written by a man then i’m sure lots of women on here would have been very cross. Some men on here may be offended by your post.

There are selfish/unemotional/unempathic women out there as well. It’s not just a male thing.

Perhaps because your husbands condition has been undiagnosed for so long it has just become ‘normal male behaviour’ to you.

Best wishes

Teresa.xxx

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Thank you for your comments, it’s just that my dad behaved in a similar way towards my mum, (she had R. Arthritis very bad indeed) and when I speak with my friends about their husbands they say they are the same. Unemotional unsympathetic.

My husband was very unsupportive before I was diagnosed leading to me having a complete breakdown, after diagnosis he has been very good, understands MS, mends my equipment, supported adaptations to the house, keeps the computer going and takes me to hospital appointments, helps me with my voluntary work for MS, though he will not come on any outings or communicate much with my friends and won’t come on holiday with me, but goes on jaunts with some friends who like slightly extreme sports and canoeing, this I don’t mind but it doesn’t do me any good.

I have looked at Asperger’s sites and all I’ve seen so far are partners who have had enough.

I have always been supportive of him, for years he’s battled with work, not holding down a job for more than a year or so. He does find it difficult to get on with people, he’s intelligent and doesn’t suffer fools. He also battles with alcholism; which I do find difficult to live with but he tells me it’s the only way he can relax enough to sleep and no he wont take prescribed medication.

Truth is he’s driven all of his friends and mine away, we have to keep our friends outside the home, my relatives only visit when he’s not around, his family are a bit of a nightmare, brother took his life, sister’s an recovered alcholic.

Sorry I’m going on but it sometimes is difficult living with someone who seems to dislike the whole world.

Also it’s difficult for my daughter, now in her 30s, she doesn’t know how to relate to him and spends much of her time living abroad.

Thanks for listening.

Wendy x

No, just sound’s like you picked a wrong-un. Or could it just be you?

Darren

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hi wendy

maybe think of him as the same man that you married, just with a label that happens to be a diagnosis of aspergers.

we all struggle to understand others at times. (envisage me with my head in my hands and a wild look in my eyes)

“the curious incident of the dog in the night time” by mark haddon is a good read and may help towards understanding his condition.

the book is written in the voice of a boy who has autism but can easily be used to understand a man.

as a lot of us know men who have childish tendencies!!! (sorry for the sexism)

carole x

Hello Wendy

It’s pretty bad that your husband has gone all these years without a diagnosis, things could have been so much better for you all as a family.

I don’t know if you or your husband want to read about Asperger’s but your daughter maybe interested in a book I read a couple of years ago.

It’s called Born On A Blue Day by Daniel Tammet.

Daniel is in his thirties and writes a very inspiring story about his life with Asperger’s.

Take care, Noreen

Hi Wendy my PTSD made me very like what you mention the reasons behind my PTSD made me emotionally numb and i couldnt bear to go out the house or be with groups of folks or pre-planned trips never happened because id rather hide than see the outside as i saw what life had to offer folks and saw the endings that many received for their time on this planet , it took a while a very long while to get where id go out with the wife just to the shops i had therapy and over 12 months of pushing boundaries and stretching my limits im on the path to the old me then the ms bomb dropped but suprisingly i kept level about it and battled through it all and now the end result is although its a fight everyday i go out purposely walk towards and through groups of people and goto our very busy bike nights just to push the limits im not theere yet by any means but i am talking to my wife more although i cant tell her the things ive seen i can tell her more on a casual side of it and we go out together now and i make a point of sitting and listening to her day or her concerns so i guess what im saying is theres no excuse when their is help out there for him to tackle his issues , for you to be ignored or pushed aside by your partner is very wrong, i hope hes sees what hes got and wakes up to it , hope things get better real soon for you and my appologies if anything above comes out wrong im known for being blunt and sometimes too blunt

all the best sean x

Asperger’s is a form of autism, which is a lifelong disability. It greatly affects how a person makes sense of the world. There is help and support but like MS, no cure. I don’t think your words were blunt Sheep :slight_smile:

As a person who constantly goes over the past to see where I’ve gone wrong, you are probably right, it could just be me.

Wendy x

Thank you Carole, I will take a look at the book.

Wendy x

Thankyou Noreen, I will definitely look for this book, he has joined an online support group apparently and has learnt quite a bit.

I will show it to my daughter (when she ever returns from saving the planet). Lol

I do appreciate it.

Wendy x

Hi Sean, thank you for your reply, not at all blunt and you are right it is similar to PTSD in some ways, his dad suffered with PTSD, living with memories from the 2nd world war and I do wonder if it wasn’t passed through to my husband in some ways.

The problem with Aspergers is that they believe that they are right, he says he was given drugs by the doctor that turned him into a zombie, I don’t know if this is the case but do think he could get other treatment.

I do hope you are able to overcome your problems Sean, at least you are trying hard and will hopefully get there.

Wendy x

Wendy, I really want to reply but just don’t know what to say. I don’t believe all men are like this, but I feel that once you got that diagnosis he was showing you he loved you in practical (rather than emotional) ways which is probably the easiest and best way for him to show how he feels. You do need your friends though and you must hold on to them (even if it means you have to meet them away from home) as this is so important for your own emotional well-being x

you are obviously approaching decision time in terms of your relationship, as it sounds like you are at the end of your tether, but I agree with anonymous that you can get through his if you pull together if you are both willing to x

good luck with everything

stacey x x x

Hi Stacey, I really haven;t explained myself properly. I do not intend to break up with him, just looking for some way of understanding his behaviour, I’ve ordered book recommendations (from Ebay) and will read them to see if I recognise something there.

Thank you for caring enough to reply,

Love Wendy x

Hi Corkie, My son has Aspergers and We all agree my husband has strong traits, there are others in the family that scream aspergers but would never have the assesement, its a huge thing for all concerned when the Aspergers sticker is applied, much the same as when we get our M.S stickers, we are mourning for the life we dreamed we had, trying to think if we could have done anything differently etc, my advice would be, put the past in a box, youcant deal with the past present and future all in one bite, there are so many traits with Aspergers that seem rude, abrupt,different and some seem down right cruel when it comes to being part of a family. Its exhausting living in a household where AS has nearly 50% of the space, you have done nothing wrong, you cant change how they think, but if your husband is open (even just sightly) to trying, you can influence a few changes, read as much as you need to about AS, and chat to other people in your situation, that is worth its weight in gold, you have to have a release.

I love my boys completely, they drive me nuts but I know they love me in their own way, it would be nice if they showed it through affection but im happy with my son walking the dog with out being asked (as far as he is concerned he has given me the biggest gift possible) and hubby blows me a kiss every day, and I get a hug if I implement it. The biggest gift I have ever had was last week, my son said ‘I love you mum’, all my him self, i cried so much, 1st time in 17 years!

Im always happy to chat, im quite hard on mine, if they do something that is really unacceptable they get told Teacher style!, but lots of little things get let go because its just not worth the hassle.

Take care of your self, and feel free to pm anytime xxx

BC

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Thank you for the reply BC, if only he had known earlier, his life could have been so differnt. (His mum and dad would not have wanted anyone to know about it, even if they did know). The thing I find hard to accept is for 20 years we were happily married (so I thought). It’s only when he’is nearly 60 that he gets this dx. I have ordered one of the books that were recommended to me and will give it a go.

The problem with my husband is, he will not seek help, he will not listen to advice, I think it’s part of the condition.

You have obviously learnt how to live with Asps and worked hard to help your son cope with life and are now reaping the rewards.

I will save your message and may get back to you in the future.

Take care,

Wendy x