abusive drunk

I feel so low, yet again I am on my own wondering how to get out of this hell. My partner as usual on a saturday has drunk nearly half a bottle of spirits and been shouting and aggresive with me, not physical but emotionally abusive. he has been physically abusive in the past but nowadays its verbal. we have a massive morgage together, one that i cant pay on my own but all my money is collateral in the house, I cant keep the morgage up on my own even though i work full time, if i walk out i stand to lose my life savings. he cant afford the morgage on his own either so its a no win situation. I am so desperately unhappy, in the week he is the perfect partner when we are both going to work, as soon as we spend time together he gets drunk and abusive. I know i need to walk out but i cant, i will lose my life savings, ive never told my kids becuase they would worry. If i try to talk to him about the situ he gets even more agressive saying i am using my ms as an excuse for stupidity. this has been going on for years and i know i sound weak but i always thought he loved me and couldnt deal with my illness. this is making me more ill. I feel as though I cant carry on any longer.

i hate this disease,its wrecked my life.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you need support not abuse. If you have tried to speak to him and be reasonable and he doesn’t want to know you need to walk away from him. It is hard but what’s money over happiness? Theres ways around everything and you certainly don’t have to put up with this. Please think carefully about what you are doing, staying with him and putting yourself through this again and again is not going to keep you well. Put yourself first x

Thankyou, I know the common sense answer, maybe i am just weak. yes ive tried talking when hes sober and he brushes it off, tried talking when hes drunk and that gets me nowhere he just tells me i blame all my failings on ms. thats because I cant deal with more than one thing going on in my head at once, I get confused and he thinks i am putting it on,

Sorry you have to go through this, it’s not the disease wrecking your life it’s your partner. I can see your in a very difficult situation as regards the mortgage. I think you need to seriously get some advice, this can’t go on, it’s no life and you don’t need the added stress. Not a lot of help to you, please try and find a friend you can confide in as the situation will do you no good.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this Anon but please don’t think that you are a weak person, it is very difficult to ask for advice in a situation like this and you have obviously realised that for your own health/sanity something has to change.

If you still love him, it may be worth broaching the subject of marriage counselling with him (when he hasn’t been drinking, obviously) and if he doesn’t want to lose you he will give it a go.

If you think that it is too late to salvage your relationship (or don’t want to run the risk or drunken repercussions), it may be worth taking some legal advice (do you have legal cover on your insurance policy or belong to a union which offers free legal advice)?

I wish you the best of luck hun. He may have problems/issues but it’s not right for him to inflict them on you so please try to stay strong.

Mags xx

Hi,

Your not being weak, your trying to figure out which option is the right one.

Perhaps taking a deep breath, sticking your chest out & telling him your leaving will shake him up.

Maybe it’s what he needs & if he starts on you again you’ll know it’s time to carry out the threat.

I know it’s easy for me to say and I can’t say that I would do the same under similar circumstances, but I do hope that it will at least give you an option to consider.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hazel

xxx

Hello Anon,a bad situation and I feel for you.I don’t want to get your hopes up,but there has been something recently about emotional abuse being regarded in the same light as physical. Are there ever any witnesses to his behaviour? Does he behave like this in any other situations that you know of, or are other people aware of his behaviour?

Maybe you could try the CAB to see if they have any ideas.MS is the pits, but he cannot cope with it and I’m guessing his drinking and rages are the manifestation of his failings.He needs help,but I doubt very much he’d accept that there is anything wrong with him or his behaviour

My ex wife was/is the lawyer,but if you divorce him,do you not get half of the house,hence your savings back,albeit in bricks and mortar.Maybe a word with a lawyer might be an idea,and if nothing else it may give you more options.This is easy for me to say,but if he won’t admit he has problems, he won’t change.

Good luck,

Steve x

Emotional/verbal abuse is now deemed domestic violence - in the same way as if he lashed out physically. Look up a local women’s refuge site - or one of the national ones - and they will give phone numbers where they will offer you advice. If there has been witnesses to the behaviour, or you’ve talked to your GP about it, or the police have ever been called, this is proof of what has been going on (otherwise they count it as hearsay). If you seriously want to leave, women’s refuge will help you find somewhere temporary to stay - and as others have said, your money will be returned in any divorce settlement.

Only you can decide what happens next. Only you can decide when you’ve had enough. I speak from personal experience! It’s one thing saying how bad things are - quite another to take the giant leap to leave.

Can I just put a seed of thought in your head though?? What happens IF your MS worsens, and you are forced to cut down on hours or even give up work? Do you want this person being your carer? Is this the sort of person who would willingly step into this role? (In my mind, that’s a strong indicator as to how strong a relationship is)

Take care

x

Thank you people for all your support. Things never seem so bad when they are shared do they? You have helped me to get things in perspective. Legal advice is the next thing on my list now and i wont do anything until I have that.

thank you again

Hi, Ive only just read your post. i see you feel better after having a vent on here. im glad about that.

But it still leaves you living in a relationship which probably wont improve. Yes, you do need legal advice. I hope you can find the strength and energy to tackle the problem head on.

Maybe your husband doesnt know how else to cope, but thats not your fault. You dont need to be treated the way he treats you. Yes, its easy for us to tell you what you need to do, but its you who has to do it. Are your children grown up and not living with you? I`m guessing not.

if they are away, would it be possible to stay with them until a separation is sought? The marital home is always going to be half your`s.

I hope you are ok.

luv Pollx

I walked out on an abusive husband. I left and never returned. I lost every possession I had but now I have a lovely daughter. I’ve never wanted to go back but if you can fight for what’s yours I think you should. I whimped out. I wanted no more confrontation. that was 14yrs ago. I married again but I seriously think my judgement on men is dodgy. My husband now is not abusive or violent but hardly notices me. Trying this time to sort out my debts and then walk away with a fresh start.

It would be easy for me if it was constant, I am getting mixed messsages all the time, he is the one that went out and bought massive amounts of red fruit and veg when he heard it helped the brain, he is the one who never complaines at night when my legs are thrashing about disturbing both of us, he is the one who always tries to protect me when people write me off for various things . but then he is the one who laughed at me when I came back from the hairdresser even though I was happy with the way they styled my long hair, tells me that people are tolerating but worrying about my reliability, i look mmmm sort of reasonably acceptable when we go out , this is serious jekyll and hyde for me and when he drinks he goes for the jugular and gets abusive and shouting which makes my brain go into overdrive and overload if you know what I mean. I wonder if it is related to the fact of possible redundancy at the mo although we have always had the same problem even before i was diagnosed.

I really cannot explain it, it looks so silly typed out for everyone to read. maybe it is my problem. …

You don’t want to be with your partner - does he want to be with you?

Hello!

Having read your posts and all the replies and one word rings in my head and that is control.

There are some things like MS that neither you or your husband can control. You know what men are like when they feel out of control, they can deal with it in some really unhelpful ways such as drinking too much or blaming it on you. To be blunt, when the crap really hits the fan with something like a partner getting MS, men can be pretty weak, which is why a lot of men will leave their partners or make their lives hell until the missus kicks them out. I saw this with my mum and dad. I know not everyone is like this but if it chimes, then is vital that you take your feelings seriously…

Regardless of what you are going to do, I would still anyway find out where you would stand with your mortgage and your finances anyway. Remember, you have kids, work and have MS. If you live alone, your lenders can do an interest-only arrangement if finances are hairy for the while. Anyway, don’t listen to me, find out, as it is good to have a few guns in your arsenal. Look out for number one. You must, as your health depends on it… then you will be fit enough to get on with your life and your kids lives…

All the best

Steffi

I was once married to an abusive, irrational, unreasonable, obsessive drunk. He couldn’t/wouldn’t change and I tried very hard before leaving him. He was destroying us both. I didn’t have ms then, or if I did I didn’t know, so didn’t have that to contend with as well. I can’t and wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do, the decision has to be yours, but I would suggest getting some legal advice. As someone else suggested the CAB can provide free advice, and just talking it through with someone who is not involved might help.

I really do feel for you, I know only too well there is no reasoning or arguing with a drunk.

I wish you well, you deserve better times.