I had an abusive childhood. Am unsure whether I should tell close relatives about this. I would like to tell them as it would explain/ justify? why I rarely go back to my family home. I am wary as to how people may react. Advice much appreciated.
It should be ‘your’ decision - but ‘yes’.
I’m hoping someone will post about their experience of telling family/friends about their abuse.
Hi, sad tale for you. My aunt was abused by my grandfather and it hit her years later. She sought counselling and was advised to write a letter to the now deceased parent, then burn it.
She took the advice and said it gave her a release from the torment.
Do you think doing that would help you too?
Poll, what reaction did your aunt get from her family?
My mother was the perpetrator of the severe emotional (not sexual) abuse I suffered and I’ve a fear that no one will believe me!
I was treated differently to my siblings and mentally/physically abused where they were never touched. I assume frustrations were released on the very person who ended up never crying, never twitching or moving when hit. I learnt to take myself away from situations and now older, do not get on with my brothers & sisters, because they saw what happened and never intervened on my behalf - learnt behaviour I expect.
I often go over what they got and I didnt. My father just before he died did apologise for not knowing how to treat me as I frightened him because of my confidence - hence punishment?
Im damaged goods, I know it and knew it wasnt right. I try hard not to mix too much because Im frightened of running and disappointing people, never being able to have a relationship with anyone - a problem of trust.
What is done is done and nothing can change it. I too wrote a letter and destroyed it which did help for a while. Then over time realised perhaps because I didnt seem vulnerable I asked for all the abuse?
Counselling should help, Im past all that, just know what happened did and there isnt a lot I can do about it now.
l find this all so sad - as someone who had a lovely family life - and my dear old mum  is still alive and well - living just around the corner from me. What makes me feel so sad about it - is that the ‘victim’ of abuse nearly always feels guilty - as if it is he/she’s fault.
We hear so much now about children being bullied at school - and also by text/email/facebook. l can remember my daughter being scared to go on the school bus because of the ‘older’ kids. She now is a Logistics Manager and runs a fleet of artic-lorries and now bullies the HGV drivers.
Would it help to write down all that happened to you and send it to your relatives - and see what their reaction is. They might be wondering why you have not spoken about it before. lt might clear the air - lay the ghosts so to speak. OR if they decide not to speak to you again - then thats their loss. You would have done all you can. But from your post - l feel that you do want to bring it out in the open. You are certainly not on your own - there will be many on this forum who too have suffered - and maybe still are.
lf you feel it is holding you back from getting on with your life - then l wonder if seeing a hynotherapist would help. You could always ask one for advice or even your GP.
i was abused (sexually) by three different people as a young child and only told my parents of the first time it happened. the actual event (in a park) did not affect me, i didnt know it was wrong and i went home and told my mum like i was telling her about how high i could go on the swings. her look changed everything!! she was completely disgusted and it showed. so thats the point for me where i knew it was a really bad thing!! the police were called but never found the man.
it happened to me twice more since then and as a very young child i decided not to tell again. one of persons responsible was a family friend and it only happened once but i never told anyone, i know that even now i could still press charges but have chosen not to because it would be too much for my mum and other family members to bear. i dont want that for them.
i do have sexual hang ups and have always seen sex as a dirty thing, but im ok, things could be worse.
sometimes if i cant decide on the best route for something i make a list of reasons for and against and over the space of a few days/weeks you can add to the list and in a sense it feels like you are dealing with a part of it and its not something thats just hanging over you.
i am, though a bit of a “stick my head in the sand” type and find that works for me, i dont know how the professionals would view this approach but i can just block things out. im a grandma now, so a lot of years have passed.
if ever i had any doubts about someone believing me then i would definitely not speak up. its all about how its going to affect you in the end and if you’re not believed you will feel a whole host of emotions that didnt need to happen. i would have to know 100% that that person would believe me. you have to try and imagine how you would feel if they dont believe you and if they do believe you what will it change??
its all about what is best for you and only you…
sorry i decided to go anon as i still have family to protect, they would probably never read this but i do feel guilty just writing about it, didnt think that would happen.!
Thanks for your replies.
My guess is that there are an awful lot of us struggling with things that happened in childhood.
The person who abused me was my mother. I don’t hink that people can get their heads round the notion of a female abuser. For this reason I have kept quiet because I just don’t think I will be believed. Also I am one of seven children and I am almost certain I was the only one who was abused.
I avoid going home at all costs and because of this I’m perceived as being a bit heartless. I would like to tell my siblings the reason for my long abscences but fear they wont believe me.
I have had counselling and now feel stronger about what happened. Before counselling I was in some sort of denial, but now I can accept that what happened really did happen.
Abuse for MS Patient, from spouse??? My WIFE?!?! Weird huh. Or is it? I have a wife, unfortunately I can’t get rid of her because I am poor, being disabled. I am a man, and I can defend myself. But this wife has turned out to be a nightmare. She’s been seeing a psychiatrist, but they don’t seem to be helping much. She keeps getting worse. She cursed me and my MS, majorly and ran out, she said, to uh, be entertained by ‘real men’. I’m a guy, and don’t like discussing this, but I am just don’t quite know how to deal with a violent, bizarrely hate filled woman. I’d like her gone, but can’t throw her out and she won’t leave. It’s just a rental, but in a nice area I’ve done a lot of gardening in. But being on disability, it’s hard to make it on my own. Thoughts and suggestions appreciated. I’m new here, my name is Gabriel
I had never been exposed to sexual child abuse before. Until I was married. She had experienced it. At first, it was ok. I loved her, and did all I could to give her advice. But I dont know anything about it, so could not help much. Over the years, she started changing. All the sudden, there was hatred when SHE began to think about all she’d been subjected to. So it is hard for me, after her, to tell anyone its good to talk about. Huge FEELING are there, for the victim. SO HUGE they are hard to deal with. When she began to deal with it, she tried to kill me. She hit me, often. I called the police on her, and they arrested her when she literally took a knife, and tried to stab me in the chest with it. She went to jail for a week until her mother bailed her out. The, when out, she started hitting me with her fist, in the face. I’d grab her hand, but too late. LOL
Stenovski, i thought something had happened to me in my childhood I wont go into too much depth. It really haunted me all my life. I told my carer in the end who became a friend to me, and she urged me to talk to a councellor about it. So i paid for one for myself. I talked it all through and I felt like a cloud had been lifted off me. It gave me courage then to discuss it with my sister, and now i am free of it. The councellor gave me the tools to deal with it, and also the courage to share it. It changed my life. It turned out my sister had an idea about it anyway.
FOR GABRIEL. abuse either by a husband or wife is hard to deal with Gabriel, and even harder if its your wife.
Now it seems to me your wife has mental issues. You can actually talk to your GP about this and say you are scared for your life, and she is totally out of control. If she is seen a psychiatrist then someone must know about her, i.e. GP. You need help so i would ring your adult social services team you can find their number just google for your area, and explain what is happening and that you are frightened and need help.
It seems you are putting your garden and bricks and mortar before your safety. You can easily start over again without her, or the abuse.
You are putting barriers down as to why you cant be on your own. You can make it on your own, you can get help. If your paying for the rent now then you can pay for it somewhere else.
I would ring adult social services tomorrow and discuss this situation. I would also talk to GP and they will or should support you. If your wife is violent and dangerous and in danger of harming herself too I believe she can be still sectioned even now in this country.
You have a way to deal with it, but it might not suit you having to start again, but there is no way i would be living in this situation. It does sound to me as though your wife does know she has problem if she is dealing with it. It sounds as though she is as disabled as you but hers is mental sadly.
xx good luck you can do it, you need help, just because your a man doesnt mean you cant be abused by a spouse, and you cant get help you can.
I found these people for you, they can help and advise you how to deal with this as i think you really need help urgently.